Saturday, October 1, 2016

"Straight killing it"

I like to express myself

And get these feelings off the shelf

Shake myself off and let these urges fall off like the fall weather makes leaves fall 
I suit up and show up and don't give up
Let myself be trained like a soldier
And keep my composure
Addiction and psychosis might be my diagnosis but recovery is my main focus

A friend told me I was "Straight killing it"

I just smiled and said, "I'm in my zone I'm feeling it and I will just keep spitting it"

He replied, "Ok little m&m"

And that's when I shared, 
"I've always loved writing and poetry, anything related lyrically

Sends me good vibes of en-er-gy
& If I had the nerve I'd grab a mic and spit em so everyone could hear em 
But I'm not as good as Marshal Mathers or Haystak, I'm just a grateful recovering addict"


There will always be a war raging within 
So I utilize words as a weapon of defense
I treat it like a rap battle; 
Move my chin, use my fingers & put it down on paper
& then the attacks going on inside subside
Because see, death and life are in the power of the tongue
& when I write, type and spit the words of life
It gives breath and air to my lungs

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof."
Proverbs 18:21

Thursday, September 22, 2016

To the needle filled with sin...

Dear Heroin and Meth,
Oh you too Morphine and Roxy,
To the needle filled with sin...I'm making it without you. 
I used to need you and couldn't function without you, but now I am stronger without you. 
I don't need you now, never did I before, all you are is just a lure.
Now you are completely out the door.
For this I give God the glory and will praise Him forevermore.

You will NEVER take over my soul again,
You will never break me down,
You will never turn me into that person I used to be.
My Lord Jesus Christ has stopped the desperation for you to be with me.
The sickness, pain, sadness, itch, loneliness, emptiness, tears, and silent screams are now long gone.

I will continue to fight the good fight, I will walk by Faith and not sight.
I will submit to God and resist you with all my might.
I will NEVER give up, and I will never need you again.
Our memories together will always be in the back of my head as a reminder to never trust you again.
Never will I shoot my veins with sin. I'll never forget where I come from.
The spoon you use to love to soak in, has been transformed into a reminder with the words

"Trust. Pray. Wait. Repeat.--Signed with the cross"
No more will my life be tossed.
I have been bought and sold.
My life you no longer hold.
Jesus saved my soul.
You may be in the first half of my story,
But the rest will only speak of how God turned your evil into good.

I was addicted and I was afflicted

I was addicted and I was afflicted. 
I heard voices and I heard noises.

I felt evil all around me just clowning me.  

Whispers saying "Devil", Satan had a hold of me telling me Jesus was make believe and wouldn't come rescue me.  
Other times voices told me Jesus tricked me. Instead of being with Him in paradise the voices told me "pair-of-dice".  The evil one played a lot of trickery and scared the faith out of me.  

I no longer could see.  At times I didn't want to see.  I just wanted to be free. No, I am not exaggerating any of this.  Time and time again I just could not resist.  All I could do was clench my sweaty fists.  I denied Jesus t from me, giving me no length.  

Every evil attempt threw my soul in the pit.  Sometimes all I could do was sit.  Confusion of who Jesus really was tormented me day and night.  I had lost sight. I no longer could fight. I didn't know left from right. Then one day my dear friend came to me and said "Jesus loves you and so do I."

I wanted to believe him and slightly I did try. I couldn't get my hopes up though. My mind had been tossed to and fro. Trust was something that seemed as if it couldn't grow.  Later that night, as a needle was pricking my skin filling my veins with sin, the words "Never forsake your Lord" were spoke to me by the person injecting me, ironically I know. Little did either one of these guys know, my soul was in the grave, I thought I no longer could be saved.  

After this, my attention was caught, I started to seek and it was our Lord Jesus Christ that I sought.  I had sought Him before, but never like this. There was something before I use to always miss. I was to seek Him with my whole mind, and my whole heart, and my whole soul and trust just like this too. I never really knew.  I thought death had took its toll, but Jesus played his role.  

I finally realized this to be true and didn't let fear consume. All along I had been missing the mark.  I had been played by a pool shark.  The voices would always tell me it would be okay to do this or that. They were wrong, I had to turn from sins and repent. I had to run away from evil. The voices would always tell me it was okay to stay. In fact, they would tell me I was wrong for leaving at times. I listened to their chimes. I had to flee from my wicked ways and that place.  

When I finally recognized God's voice and only answered to Him and turned from my sin is when my life began. I finally realized I couldn't do drugs and decided once again to quit. This time was different. This time was serious. This time I had real strength. The voices tried to get me back and even attempted a few attacks. I went to revisit the place thinking I could still hold on to my life.  I was tormented again day and night.  I had to constantly pray The Lord’s prayer and repeat scripture throughout the whole night. Every hour on the hour. Satan really does lurk around trying to devour. The Lord heard my cry though and delivered me so. 

I ran from that sinful life full of struggle and strife and finally let go. I let go and let God. I have always believed in Jesus Christ since I was child. Never have I gave my life to Him though. So that's what I did. He delivered me from the evil one, from which my soul was in hell. In the pit I had fell. Now I live to tell. 

Since then I have had no withdrawal symptoms. I have no symptoms from my previous diagnosis of bipolar psychosis. I do still have trouble sleeping at night and cravings hit me very often, but I just pray and stay into His word. I thank Jesus every day and go to church twice a week to worship and praise Him. I study His word and tell others about him and He guides me to help me live a clean life and to become more like Him.  

He turned the mess I made of my life into a message for Him. Praise and glory be to Him. The Prince of Peace. Wonderful Counselor. King of kings Lord of lords. How mighty and good He is. I denied him, did every drug you could think of-snort, smoke, inject, drink, you name it. From pills, to heroin, meth, bath salt, drinking, acid trips, ecstasy, --He delivered me from every bit of it. Now Jesus is my necessity. Physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse from a toxic marriage- He delivered me from that too.  

I no longer feel like I am on a bad trip. Sexual sin and jealousy, anger, resentment- He delivered me from that too. Peace and Joy within my heart He gave me as a replacement. Did I mention He forgave me for every single sin I ever lived in? Yes, He did that too.  He can do it for you too.

I am alive and I am free who wouldn't want to be me? Jesus Christ saved me.